A Series of Seven Thursdays
by TurnMyGriefToGrace
Summary: Post Risk (11x08) two shot. MerDer, as always. Very spoilery if you haven't seen the episode. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Shonda own Grey's and likes to break our hearts. I'm just a fan trying to pick up the pieces. **

**The title is pretty self-explanatory (and for once, not a song or song lyrics). Every separate section takes place on a Thursday, and there's seven of them. It was the best way I could think to pace it, and I hope it makes sense. I decided to split it in 2 parts; the next one will be posted in a few days. Enjoy!**

**Part One**

_November 13th, Seattle_

It's late when Meredith finally makes it home with the kids. She decided it would be best until she knew Derek was out of the house, so she waited around at the hospital until she got his curt text message telling her he was at the airport. Considering he's flying to the other side of the country and leaving her with two kids, a courtesy text was the least he could do.

Meredith soon finds out that even carrying Zola and Bailey from the driveway to the front door by herself is a challenge. Usually, she has Derek there to balance the parent to child ratio. Even after all these weeks spent barely speaking, they'd been working as a team. After dinner, one catches up on laundry or dishes while the other handles the kids' baths and pajamas. When the ratio is off kilter, things aren't nearly so simple.

Zola falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow, exhausted after a day spent in preschool and daycare. Most nights, she has enough energy for a bedtime story, but not tonight, and Meredith is admittedly grateful. She knows Zola would've asked where Derek was, and she doesn't have the heart to explain it to her almost four year old, whose favorite word these days is _why_. A long string of _whys_ over and over again until her inquisitive mind is satisfied.

And really, how is Meredith supposed to respond when she doesn't even know the answer?

Getting Bailey to sleep is more of a challenge, though. Two of his molars are cutting through at once, both of which seem to bother him more at night when there's nothing to distract him from the discomfort.

Meredith is just crawling under the covers, ready to forget today ever happened, when she hears him wailing over the monitor.

"Mama Dada!" he calls out between hiccups.

Meredith flings back the blanket on the cold, empty bed, then quickly walks up to his room. Like Derek, Zola is a light sleeper, and has been woken by her little brother on dozens of occasions since they brought him home from the hospital. And on a night like this one, Meredith would really rather avoid that from happening again.

"Hey, you," she says softly when she enters his room.

Bailey reaches for her as soon as he sees her, and he smiles despite the crocodile tears on his cheeks. He has Derek's smile. That big, boyish grin that makes her weak at the knees every time she sees it.

Meredith scoops him out of his crib, and he rests his head on her shoulder. "Mama," he mumbles into her neck.

"I know, buddy," she coos, patting his bottom with her hand.

Deciding she needs him as much as he needs her, Meredith grabs his favorite stuffed animal, a yellow monkey, then treks back downstairs to her own bedroom.

Their Post-It above the bed catches Meredith's eye, and she thinks back to the day she and Derek signed that small, blue piece of paper, and the weight of the promises written on it.

_No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens._

That part was his idea, but the empty side of his bed and the missing suitcase from the closet tell a slightly different story, one where he contradicts himself completely. The irony of it would have escalated Meredith's rage, but she's too tired for rage right now. If he can leave without looking back, she can save her rage until the morning.

Even at the ripe old age of eighteen months, Bailey seems to sense something is off when Meredith places him in Derek's spot on their bed.

"Dada?" he asks.

The question breaks Meredith's heart in two and fills the void with guilt. It's the kind of question she expects from Zola, but not him, not yet. He's too little to wonder where his dad is, and why he's not home. It's a feeling Meredith knew all too well growing up, and one she never thought her kids would have to go through.

She wipes her eyes with her shirt sleeve and smiles at her son. "Dada will be home soon, Bay," she says, wishing she believed her own words and that he'd walk through the door any moment.

But he's not going to.

So for now, all she can do is wrap her arm around Bailey and let him chew on her finger until he falls asleep. "It'll all be okay. I'm gonna fix it, I promise," Meredith tells him over and over until the words sound hollow.

After everything that's happened today, she wonders if maybe they are.

...

_November 20th, D.C._

Despite the less than desirable circumstances in which it happened, Derek is settling into his position at the NIH well. He spends his days bouncing between the research lab and his office. The works keeps him so busy that he's barely had time to think about the past week.

And really, he'd rather not, because he's afraid the guilt will consume him.

Sure, he wanted the job from the beginning. It's innovative and thrilling and reminds him of why he got into medicine. He enjoys the work. All of the resources, funds, and technology needed to brain map to his heart's content are at his fingertips.

Only today, all he can think about is Zola's Thanksgiving pageant at her school. It's the only thing she talks about when they Skype every night. She's playing a pilgrim who brings the cornucopia to the feast, and gets to hold hands with a boy named Sam, her pilgrim husband.

Other than the pilgrim husband issue, Derek had been looking forward to the play ever since early November when she came home from school and told him about it, practically jumping off the walls in excitement.

Last night during their Skype chat, she cried when she found out he wasn't going to be there. Seeing her tears and knowing he couldn't wipe them away was like a punch in the gut. He knew sacrifices were part of the package, but those were his to make. He never thought his daughter would get caught in the crossfire.

"I'm so sorry I can't be there, Zo. But I promise, Mommy will send me a video, and you can tell me all about it," Derek had promised.

Truthfully, though, he hadn't spoken to Meredith since the night he left, so he's not sure if he can even ask her for the video. Part of him feels like he doesn't deserve it. He went to D.C. without saying goodbye. Why should he get to reap the joys of parenthood when he's skirting those responsibilities for his career?

Zola tells him Aunt Amy is going, but Derek hasn't spoken to her either. Another person he's burned a bridge with in his path of destruction.

The guilt eats him alive all day. Even during his meeting with the higher-ups at the NIH about advancing their BCI research, he's distracted by Zola's on-stage debut that he's missing.

"Dr. Shepherd?" asks a woman in a navy pantsuit, attempting to get his attention.

Derek snaps back to reality and regains his train of thought. "Right, sorry. In the next week, my team and I are going to focus our attention on DNA barcoding. We've selected a group of trial participants, and we're just waiting on FDA approval," he explains to the group sitting across the table from him.

The rest of his day is spent in the lab working on the newest prototypes, and checking his phone in case any pictures or videos of Zola get sent to him. None do, though.

He goes back to his small but furnished, government-paid-for apartment across the street later on that night, makes himself a sandwich, and spends the night on the couch watching _SportsCenter_.

At first, he enjoyed the quiet and the lack of responsibilities. No dishwashers to load, no diapers to change, no fighting with Meredith. But even after seven short days, he's starting to miss being home. He misses playing with the kids. He misses Meredith's warmth on the other side of the bed at night. He misses his family.

A mantra of '_you have no one to blame but yourself_' plays on a loop in his mind, a thought that's only compounded by the silence of his phone.

But then, just when he's settling into bed and about to succumb to sleep, his phone chirps. He's half convinced it's just wishful thinking until he picks it up from the nightstand.

It's a text from Meredith. He quickly unlocks his phone to find a video of Zola's performance. There's no message to go along with it, just the video clip, but in that moment, it's more than enough.

Derek watches the thirty second video, and he smiles for the first time in a week.

"We welcome you to join in our feast. Please accept this cornucopia as a symbol of our friendship," Zola says eloquently from the stage, sporting her pilgrim dress and matching hat.

He can hear Bailey, perched on Meredith's lap, clapping for his big sister. "Zo!" he cheers.

Derek's missed their voices, their laughter, the way their little arms wrapped around his neck when they hugged him. He misses everything about them.

"The red, blinky thing means it recorded, right?" comes Meredith's hushed voice behind the camera just before the video ends.

It's the first time Derek's heard her voice since he left. He's missed her voice, her laughter, and her hugs, too. Instead of focusing on the ache deep in his gut, he replays the video over and over again, and saves it to his phone.

Given how their last conversation ended, he knows how much effort it must have taken for Meredith to send him the video. So before going to sleep, Derek texts her back the words _Thank you_.

...

_November 27th, Seattle_

It's Thanksgiving, a holiday all about celebrating family. Only this year, Meredith isn't feeling very festive. Derek is off mapping brains in D.C., Cristina is off building hearts from scratch in Switzerland, and she's home, rinsing Bailey off in the tub after a diaper blowout.

Even though Amelia decided to stay to help her with the kids, which is what Meredith is most thankful for this year, it's still hard. Amelia does laundry, helps with mealtimes, has tea parties with Zola, and has stepped up countless times in countless ways. But still, she's not Derek, and as much as Meredith hates to admit it, she misses her teammate.

Especially today, because Amy got called into work, so it's up to Meredith to get both kids dressed, packed, and out the door. They're supposed to be at Alex's in an hour for dinner, but keeping on trend with the past seven days, it's a safe bet they're going to be late.

Zola walks into the bathroom where Meredith is kneeling over the tub, rinsing Bailey's bottom. "Eww, Mommy, he smells," Zola says, as though Meredith didn't know already.

"Yeah, he pooped all over his pajamas. Can you hand me a wash cloth, Zo?" Meredith asks.

Zola takes one from the shelf, and hands it to Meredith. "Here ya go."

"Thank you," Meredith says as she begins cleaning the baby off. "How about you go get dressed while I'm giving Bailey a bath. Then you can watch him for me while I take a quick shower," she suggests, knowing Zola is always eager for big sister duties.

"I don't wanna wear that dress," Zola says.

Meredith sighs, blinking when Bailey splashes water in her eye. "Why not?"

"Because I wanna wear my pilgrim dress from the play, so Uncle Alex can see it," Zola explains eagerly.

Normally, Meredith would try to compromise with her, but she's literally up to her elbows in baby poop. She has to pick her battles wisely, and debating over a Thanksgiving dress isn't worth it.

"That's fine, Zo. Go put it on," Meredith nods.

Zola smiles at her mom in delight, then runs out of the bathroom toward her bedroom. "Thanks, Mommy!" she calls out.

"You're still going to let me dress you in your Thanksgiving outfit, right, buddy?" Meredith asks Bailey, whose light brown curls are matted to his forehead, the same way Derek's did when they got wet. "You look so much like Daddy."

"Dada," Bailey echoes.

Meredith gives him a final rinse, then swaddles him in his bath towel. She wishes both Shepherd men were here today, but for now, she's pretty damn grateful for the one in her arms.

They make it to Alex's house fifteen minutes late, but Meredith still deems arriving at all a victory. Thanksgiving was supposed to be held at their own house as a way to make up for the non-dinner party a few weeks ago, but once Derek left for D.C., Alex stepped in and offered to host.

Of course, the entire meal was ordered in. Alex's oven serves as his liquor cabinet, and even if it didn't, he doesn't know how to turn it on, much less cook a turkey.

The table is set for seven guests: Meredith, Zola, Bailey, Alex, Jo, Richard, and Maggie. It's the most random mixed bag of guests ever invited to a Thanksgiving dinner, but it's good company, at least for a few hours before the turkey comas set in.

Derek's absence is the awkward elephant in the room, one that no one knows how to bring up, so they don't. Instead, Zola and Bailey provide most of the evening's entertainment. She talks all about her play, recites her lines, and teaches them all about the first Thanksgiving. Bailey is his usual funny, charming self, toddling around in his 'Gobble, Gobble, Gobble' shirt and matching pants with the turkey feathers on the butt.

The meal goes surprisingly smoothly. There's laughter and talk of surgery and the night out that Meredith needed. Afterward, Zola and Bailey are playing together, both of their bellies full of turkey, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie. Alex and Jo are on the couch laughing about something, Maggie and Richard are perusing Ellis' old bookshelf, and Meredith is sitting on the floor with her kids.

Despite the room full of people, she can't shake how empty if feels without Derek here, too. He Skyped with the kids this morning, but Meredith didn't talk to him, and hasn't for two weeks.

She keeps reminding herself that he's the one that left. He bought the plane ticket. He flew to D.C. and put his career ahead of his family. He made a choice, and now he has to deal with the consequences. But all of that aside, it hurts her to think of him spending Thanksgiving alone.

"I'll be right back," Meredith tells Zola, standing up and going into the empty kitchen.

She sits down at the island and sighs. If she's going to break down, she can't do it in front of Zola and Bailey. The last thing she needs is Zola chatting with Derek over Skype about how Mommy cried on Thanksgiving.

"You okay?" Alex asks after walking into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just needed a minute," Meredith says.

Alex smirks, popping off the bottle cap. "Liar."

"Shut up."

"It's true," Alex upholds, taking a seat next to her. "You're pissed that Shepherd went to D.C. and left you with two kids to take care of. I'd be pissed, too."

"I'm pissed about everything. And I'm hurt, and I'm exhausted, and I hate what this is doing to my kids," Meredith says.

If he's willing to take over as her person, she's willing to spill. And after two weeks, she really, really needs to.

"And then I feel bad that he probably spent his Thanksgiving on the couch, watching football, eating a bowl of cereal. Is it weird that I feel bad? Does that make me weak and pathetic?" Meredith asks him.

"Sounds like an awesome Thanksgiving to me, actually," Alex shrugs.

Meredith nudges him with her arm. "Alex."

"For him? Yeah, it probably sucked. But that was the tradeoff, right? He gets to map brains all day, then goes home alone. He knew that when he signed on," Alex points out.

"So I shouldn't feel bad?" Meredith clarifies.

"I can't tell you how to feel, Mer."

"You know how I feel? I feel like my mother. Every day, Zola asks me when Daddy's coming home. It's the same thing I used to ask my mom. My mom never had an answer for me, and I don't have an answer for Zola. I always told myself I wouldn't let history repeat itself, but that's what's happening. I feel like I'm failing them," Meredith confesses. She takes a paper napkin left over from dinner and wipes her eyes, grateful that she didn't have time to put mascara on before they left the house.

Alex shakes his head. "As someone whose parents failed him, trust me, you're not failing your kids."

Meredith gives him an incredulous look, wondering if he's just trying to shut her up. "And how do you know that?"

"Because," Alex shrugs. "Your parents didn't care enough to fight for their marriage. You and Shepherd do."

...

_December 4th, D.C._

Derek is beginning to realize that being in charge of the brain mapping initiative is a lot like being chief of surgery. When he gets to do actual brain mapping, the high it gives him reminds him of being in the OR. He's advancing the future of medicine, and he's in charge.

But being in charge isn't all it's cracked up to be. Every problem that arises, every administrative hiccup, comes to him. And he's finding that he spends more time behind his desk doing paperwork, on conference calls, or in board meetings that last for hours on end.

As monotonous as the paperwork is, though, Derek often stays late in his office, because it beats sitting at his apartment alone. When he's alone, his mind wanders to his family back home.

With Amelia off at a neuro conference at Mayo, Meredith's been on her own with Zola and Bailey. She's been so busy juggling work and the kids that they haven't had a chance to Skype for three days. It's the longest he's gone without talking to his kids, and the guilt is ready to eat him alive.

Meredith didn't sign on for being a single mom and a full time surgeon, nor did their children have any say in the matter. He knows that this radio silence can't last forever. They need a plan, and the longer they go without making one, the more damage is done.

So when he gets home that night, he decides he needs to call her. He flips his phone over and over in his hands, trying to decide what to say when she answers. Or, _if_ she answers. There's a good chance he'll end up having a lengthy conversation with her voicemail.

Finally, Derek taps her name, the first one on his favorites list. It rings twice before Meredith picks up, and he's met with her soft, tired voice, one he hasn't heard in weeks.

"Hello?" she answers.

Derek swallows, trying not to drop the phone from his sweaty palms. "Hey," he returns. "Is this a good time?"

"I, um… yeah, I guess," Meredith responds.

"You sure? You can call me back later if you're busy," Derek offers.

"No, it's fine. What do you need?" Meredith asks.

Her tone isn't exactly hostile, but it's not warm, either. More indifferent than anything, which is truthfully worse than anger. Derek's stomach churns, but he cuts to the chase.

"We need to talk. About us, about the kids. We need a plan," Derek says.

Meredith sighs. "I know."

An awkward silence falls over both of them. It feels out of character, not knowing what to say to one another, or how to say it. Like a first date, only worse, because they're married with two kids, and have let so much hurt and distance come between them that they don't know to begin picking up the pieces.

"How are the kids?" Derek asks in an attempt to break up the tension.

"Good. Zola's ballet class is doing _The Nutcracker_. Her performance is on the twentieth. She keeps asking me if you're coming. I didn't know what to tell her," Meredith shares.

Derek flips through his planner, hoping more than anything he's free. Being able to get on Meredith's good side _and_ attend Zola's show would be a miraculous victory for him. But his stomach drops when he sees his jam-packed day on the twentieth, full of things he can't reschedule.

"Damn it. I'm flying to Arlington that morning, and I'm in meetings with the NSF all weekend. I'm sorry," Derek says sincerely, though he knows all Meredith hears is another excuse.

Meredith shrugs. "Don't apologize to me. It's Zola you're hurting. And I'm tired of answering her questions and seeing her cry, so you can tell her," she says.

Derek recoils from the blow, pinching the bridge of his nose as his guilt is taken to a higher level. He's hurting the people he loves most, and it's killing him.

"I know. I'm sorry. Next time I talk to her, I'll tell her," he promises.

"Stop saying you're sorry!" Meredith snaps, closing her bedroom door, so she doesn't wake up the kids. "It was your decision to go. Remember when you lectured me on consequences way back when? Take your own advice. Accept your consequences."

"Are you saying you don't think I'm sorry? That I moved out here and forgot all about you and the kids?" Derek counters.

"What am I supposed to think? It's been three weeks, and this is the first time you bothered to call me," Meredith points out.

Derek pours himself some scotch from the bottle given to him by his research team, their token of gratitude for finally joining the project. Only now, it feels more like a consolation prize than a gift.

"The phone works both ways, Meredith," he says, regretting the words as soon as they leave his mouth.

He can almost see her biting her lip on the other end of the line, her anger reaching its boiling point. "I've been a little busy here, Derek. Getting the kids ready in the morning without you, dropping Zola off at preschool on time, getting Bailey to daycare. Getting called back to daycare because he's teething and running a fever, then trying to get a hold of the babysitter to come pick him up while I'm supposed to be prepping my patient for surgery," Meredith spouts off.

"I shouldn't have—" Derek says before she cuts him off.

"Then, I get home at night after working a twelve hour shift, try to find something to make the kids for dinner while I help Zola with her homework and have Bailey on my hip. Then I give them baths, and let them play as I load the dishwasher and do laundry. If I have time, I'll either take a shower or eat dinner that night. One or the other. Then I do it all again the next day. So, I'm sorry if I haven't had time to chat with you," Meredith finishes.

Derek doesn't know what to say. Somehow, saying he's sorry again seems like a bad choice that will end with her hanging up on him. "I… you're right. I shouldn't have said that. You're doing the best you can, and please know how grateful I am. It shouldn't have happened this way."

"But it did. You made a choice for you, and it affected all of us. I'm happy for you that you're getting this chance. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you've worked hard to get there. We're both choosing ambition on opposite ends of the country, and there's no easy fix here," Meredith admits.

Derek nods. "I know."

"You came to Seattle all those years ago for a fresh start, and that's what you and I built together. Only it's not the two of us anymore. And I'll be damned if my kids grow up with the childhood I had. I will not become my mother, Derek. So before you ask me why I'm clinging to Seattle, ask yourself if D.C. is worth what you're giving up to be there."

Bailey begins fussing over the monitor, and Meredith sighs. "Bailey's up. I have to go," she says. "I'll make sure the kids Skype with you tomorrow."

She hangs up the phone before he has a chance to say goodbye, and he's left sitting there in silence, his home screen photo of Zola and Bailey from Halloween staring back at him.

...

_Part Two to follow._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still not mine.**

**Thank you all so much for your feedback! It means the world to me, and gave me so much to work with while writing Part 2. I'm sorry for the longer than anticipated wait, but I hope you enjoy this!**

_December 11th, Seattle_

It's tea time at the Shepherd household, which means apple juice, cookies, princess crowns, and tutus. Zola is hosting as usual, and she carefully pours the juice from the teapot into Meredith's pink cup. The normalcy is nice, or as nice and normal as it can be with Derek gone.

They haven't spoken over the phone since their last call ended. Meredith has been sending him pictures of the kids, though. She knows that if she were the one in D.C., she'd want pictures, so she's started sending him at least one a day, more if she has time.

Derek is grateful for each one, and despite how their last conversation ended, it makes Meredith happy to be able to give him that bit of joy.

She pulls her phone from her pocket, then places Bailey on Zola's lap. "I want to send a picture of you guys to Daddy. Can you say cheese?"

Zola hugs Bailey to her, smiling wide. "Cheese!" she says, always ready to ham it up for the camera, especially when she's wearing her favorite sparkly crown.

Bailey mimics his sister and grins, too, a line of drool running down his chin. Meredith quickly snaps the photo while both kids are looking, and satisfied with how it turned out, sends it off to Derek.

"I'm sure that made Daddy's whole day. Thank you," Meredith says, putting Bailey back on her own lap.

"I miss Daddy," Zola sighs as she chews on an animal cracker.

Meredith frowns into Bailey's curly hair. "I know, Zo. Me too."

"We used to have tea parties with all of us. Remember, Mommy?" Zola asks.

Truthfully, Meredith can't remember the last time the four of them had a tea party. October, maybe? September? Tea parties were once a nightly event after dinner. Then every night turned to every few days, then every few weeks. Then dwindled down to almost never, at least not with all four of them present.

"It's been a while, I know. I promise, as soon as we can, we'll all have a tea party together," Meredith says.

Zola bounces slightly in her chair. "And we can make the peanut butter cookies again?"

"What peanut butter cookies?" Meredith asks.

"Sometimes, me and Daddy would make peanut butter cookies for the tea parties. You weren't here. You were with Uncle Alex," Zola explains as she spreads fake butter over a plastic scone. "You missed a lot of tea parties, Mommy."

Meredith knows Zola's accusation isn't meant to be hurtful, but the guilt that rips through her still hurts like hell. Because Zola is right. Meredith has missed things over the last few months. In an effort to get away from Derek and the tension between them, camping out over Alex's became her port in the storm.

Derek took over most of the parenting in those few weeks before going to D.C., and never threw it in her face the way she did to him during their last phone call. He brought the kids home from daycare. He fed them, bathed them, played with them, and put them to bed. And he did all of it without a complaint.

The hypocrisy of her words makes her lose her appetite, and she sighs in regret. Regret that not being home hurt her kids. Regret for not thanking Derek for everything he did while she wasn't there.

"You're right, Lovebug. I did miss a lot, and I'm so sorry," Meredith owns. She kisses Zola's cheek, then Bailey's. "I love you guys more than anything. You know that, right?"

"And Daddy?" Zola asks.

"And Daddy," Meredith nods. "Do you know why?"

"Why?"

Meredith smiles. "Because without Daddy, I wouldn't have you."

Later that night, Zola sleeps soundly in her princess bed, still donning her tutu. And Bailey is sleeping in Derek's spot, because another molar is popping through and he prefers chewing on his mom's finger to a teething ring.

So Meredith takes advantage of the quiet house to Skype with Derek. Somehow, having a face to face conversation, even over a screen, seems like a better idea than a phone call, since the last one ended less than productively.

She clicks his name on the user list, and waits as he's connected on the other end. When his face pops up, Meredith forgets to say hello, and all she can do is smile. It doesn't matter that they have a thousand and one issues to solve. They've never been apart this long, and seeing him derails her train of thought completely.

"Hi," is all she can think so say.

"Hey," Derek says, giving her a smile back. "I thought it was the kids."

"Yeah, sorry about that. Bailey fell asleep in the tub, and by the time Zola had her pajamas on, she passed out. Rain check," Meredith promises.

"The tea party wiped them out, huh? Thanks for sending that picture, by the way. Made my day," Derek says sincerely.

"You're welcome."

Bailey rolls closer to Meredith in his sleep, and she strokes the top of his head. "I'm here, buddy," she whispers to him.

Derek smiles at their interaction, wishing more than anything he could be there with them. "Is that molar still bothering him?"

"Yeah, he's been fussy at night. I usually just keep him with me until he's in a deep sleep, then carry him up to his crib," Meredith says, chewing on her lip. "So, can we talk? We didn't get anywhere last time, and…"

"Yeah, we can talk."

"Okay, good," Meredith says softly. "So, Zo said something to me earlier that's been eating away at me, and I just wanted to talk to you about it."

Derek frowns in concern. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just… she mentioned that I wasn't around much. You know, in those few weeks before you went to D.C. And she's right. I wasn't here. I spent a lot of time at the old house, while you were alone with the kids," Meredith owns up, the guilt churning in her gut again.

"You needed space. I get it," Derek says in understanding.

"But it wasn't fair to you. You were taking on that responsibility for both of us. Taking care of the kids and the house and running on no sleep. After having them on my own this past month, I get what that's like, and it's really freaking hard. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that I threw it in your face last time," Meredith apologizes.

"Thank you. That, um… it means a lot to me, you saying that," he nods, noticing how tired she looks. Beautiful, but exhausted. "How about we call it even?"

"Okay."

"Okay," he echoes.

She sighs, bringing up the next matter of business. "And not to make this Meredith's Apology Tour, but that stuff I said about D.C., I know how much it means to you, and I know you had to go. You tried to hide how much it was bothering you, giving up such a huge opportunity," Meredith says.

Derek nods in admittance. "It was. But believe me, Mer, all of this has nothing to do with me valuing my career over you and the kids. I've been thinking a lot about the things I said the night I left, saying the job was everything to me. It's a dream job, but it's not my dream. You, Zo, and Bailey… that's my dream. And I'm sorry if I've ever made you doubt that."

"That's why this is hard. Professionally, I've wanted you to take the job since the day you found out about it. But personally, it scared the crap out of me. It scared me that you thought your life here wasn't enough anymore. And it upset me that you made me feel like my input didn't matter. Finding me a job in D.C., buying us a house sight unseen, and never asking me how I felt about any of it," Meredith confesses.

Derek considers what she's said, and the reality of it deflates him.

_You're making this choice with Cristina. I'm your husband. You should make it with me._

His own words to her haunt him. Maybe if he'd taken his own advice, none if this would've happened. He didn't ask. He was so consumed with the possibility of advancing his own career that he never factored her opinion into the equation.

"You're right. I didn't. I didn't ask you, and I should have."

"It just made me feel like no matter what I accomplished, you wanted me to be in your shadow. And that's not all on you. Part of it's the way I grew up," Meredith acknowledges. "My mother and Richard were drawn to each other by their ambition, and eventually, the competition between them is what drove them apart. Then I saw that starting to happen to us, and it scared me."

"I didn't ever mean to make you feel that way. This job wasn't something I went looking for. I wasn't trying to compete—"

"I know you weren't. That's how it felt, though. I mean, Cristina is running a cardio department in Switzerland; you're in D.C. doing state-of-the-art neuro research. Both of you were handed the keys to the freaking kingdom, and get to change the face of medicine every day," Meredith says, keeping herself in check for the sake of her sleeping son next to her. "You know I love you both, and you deserve it. But it makes me feel stuck. And then I think, maybe this is part of my consequence."

"Consequence? You mean from the Alzheimer's trial?" Derek clarifies. "Meredith, I know that hurt both of us—at work, in our marriage—but it's in the past."

Meredith shakes her head. "Maybe for you, but it's not for me. Derek, you were blacklisted by the FDA, but you were still hand-picked by the president for the brain mapping project. I took myself off neuro because it was best for our marriage, and now, I'm a general surgeon."

"Meredith."

"Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and I'm grateful for it. But when you got the NIH offer, it made me jealous," Meredith confides. "I was jealous that you were getting all of these opportunities, while my portal vein research was the hospital joke."

"It's not a joke, Meredith."

"What I'm saying is, whether I followed you to D.C. and took a job I only got because my husband got it for me, or stayed here and got compared to Ellis Grey, either way I'd be outshined. By you or by my mother. I decided to stay here to prove that I can succeed on my own merit. And that I don't need to use my mother's legacy as a stepping stool to do it," Meredith tells him, surprised by the determination in her own voice.

Derek nods. "I understand that. I want that for you, too."

"And I want you to brain map. I want both of us to have it all and do it all, and not feel like one of us has to sacrifice for the other in order to do that. I feel like it's your career versus mine, and I don't want it to be that way," Meredith says.

Derek leans against his headboard and sighs. His eyes are tired, his body is tired, and he feels defeated by the impasse. But when he sees Bailey crawl into Meredith's lap, he smiles. "Hey, buddy."

Bailey's bright blue eyes widen when he sees Derek, and he smiles back at him. "Dada!"

"God, I miss you," he says softly, wishing he could reach through the screen and hold his son, even just for a few minutes.

Meredith kisses the top of Bailey's head and looks at Derek. "We need to fix it. But the way things are now, I don't know how we do that. Not when we're living on opposite ends of the country."

Derek gets that thoughtful look in his eyes, a look she recognizes well, and she raises her eyebrows in curiosity. "What?" she asks.

"What if we didn't have to be?"

…

_December 18th, D.C._

It's a bright, cold December morning when Derek walks into the NIH's research facility where he's spent the last six weeks. Today is different, though. It's the day he puts it all on the line. Over the past seven days, he's been working around the clock to put his plan in motion, and this morning, he's presenting his proposal to his fellow board members.

Even though Derek is the director of the brain mapping initiative, he still needs majority approval by the board, and his stomach still flip flops in anticipation as he crosses the lobby on his way to the elevator.

But then a message from Meredith comes through on his phone. It's a picture of Zola and Bailey sitting on Santa's lap. Zola is wearing a blue dress, smiling from ear to ear; Bailey sits next to her in his khakis and matching blue sweater in mid-laugh. Under the picture, Meredith sends a follow-up text that reads _Good luck today. We love you. – M, Z & B_

Derek feels a pang in his chest when he realizes he hasn't hugged them in six weeks, and how much they seem to have grown in his absence. But it also strengthens his resolve to step into the elevator, and move forward with his plan.

Once he arrives on the fifth floor, Derek walks with purpose to the conference room where he's scheduled the meeting. Everyone is gathered when he arrives, and he smiles at the group. "Good morning," he greets, taking a seat at the head of the table. "Thanks for agreeing to meeting with me this morning. I know we're all busy, so I'll try to keep this as brief as I can."

Derek distributes a binder containing his proposed ideas to each person at the table, then begins, all of the nervousness disappearing when he starts to speak.

"When I was first approached about this brain mapping project a year ago, I admit, it was something I never thought I'd get to do in my lifetime. It's the dream job. As someone who's studied the brain for many years now, I've learned that as much as we know about it, a great deal of it is still a mystery. Brain mapping is changing that. The research being done here can change millions of lives. But it's not enough, which is why I'm proposing an expansion to the project," Derek says.

The group seated around the table lean forward in their chairs, curiosity piqued at his statement. "An expansion?" echoes Dr. Eisler, one of the higher-ups of the NIH's board.

"Yes," Derek nods. "By limiting ourselves to one research facility here in D.C., we're limiting our potential. We need to take this nationwide. I've been in contact with six neurosurgeons all over the U.S. If you'll turn to page three in your binder, I've provided a list of their names, credentials, and hospitals."

"And they've all agreed to participate?" Dr. Eisler asks.

"They have. Seven total participants, including myself. Each of us will focus our BCI research on seven different neurological disorders: autism, schizophrenia, Parkinson's, multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, cerebral palsy, and Alzheimer's, which is the field I'll be focusing on. That information can also be found on page three," Derek explains.

"Is your plan to oversee all of these research teams?" asks Dr. Bryson, another board member.

Derek shakes his head. "No."

"No?"

"I know that I signed onto this project and took on the administrative duties that come with it. But I've done the admin. job before. Back in Seattle, when I served as chief of surgery, it drained me of all the passion I had for my profession, and without getting into detail, it almost cost me my life—literally. My time is much better spent on the ground floor. Being in the lab, using what we've learned in the OR. That's who I am. Frankly, being chained behind a desk would be doing all of us a disservice," Derek discloses.

"So, how would this work?" Dr. Bryson asks.

"Each of us would meet here at headquarters one weekend a month to discuss out findings, our challenges, plans for future research. The goal is that with all of these extra minds comes more innovation. I can't do it all on my own. It needs to be a team approach," Derek says.

Dr. Landroff seems to understand the point Derek is trying to make before the rest of the group, and she looks up from her binder. "So, you're planning to return to Seattle?"

Derek folds his hands on the table with calm assurance. "Yes."

"But how…"

"Every team will have a satellite research facility where they're currently located. I understand this is a huge financial undertaking, but I've already spoken to your CFO, and we've determined that we have the necessary funds to make it happen. Part of the hundred million dollars allotted for the 2015 budget will be used to set up these satellite facilities and the participants' salaries," Derek replies.

The room is silent for a moment while the board members absorb all of the information presented to them, and several minutes pass before Dr. Eisler asks a question. "Dr. Shepherd, I'm all for expanding this project, but are you sure it requires you to move back to Seattle when you're making so much progress here?"

"Yes, it does," Derek answers without hesitation, deciding that the best explanation he can offer won't come from financial allocations or statistical data. He pulls his phone from his pocket and shows the group the picture of Zola and Bailey sitting on Santa's lap.

"These are my kids. My daughter turns four next month, and my son is a year a half. When I moved to Seattle almost a decade ago, I went there for a job. To be one of the foremost neurosurgeons on the West coast. That was my obligation. In med school, they tell us all the time that to do the job well, we need to keep our personal and professional lives separate. But then I met my wife at work, and now, we have two children."

Derek sets his phone on the table in front of him, Zola and Bailey's photo still on the screen. "You all know as well as I do that a job like this takes a hundred percent commitment. Sometimes, we get so caught up in that commitment that we lose sight of what matters the most to us. Trying to have it all and do it all is hard. It requires a team effort, just like this project. I can't be expected to successfully run this brain mapping initiative on my own any more than my wife can be expected to raise our children on her own. She's a brilliant surgeon, and I'd never be able to forgive myself if I compromised her potential for the sake of mine."

He flips his binder closed and smiles at the group gathered around him. "I took an oath to save lives, and this project will allow me to do that for years to come. It's an obligation I take seriously. But my obligation to those three people back in Seattle means more to me than any job ever could. And I can't live up to that obligation if I'm here. This is my decision, and I hope I can count on your support."

…

_December 25th, Seattle_

Christmas has come to the Shepherd home. It was harder than usual decorating without Derek's help this year, but Meredith and the kids managed to make the house holiday-ready. The tree is lit, the stockings are hung, and with the help of caffeine, Meredith managed to wrap every last gift into the early hours of the morning.

She sits between Zola and Bailey on the living room floor, watching as they open presents. While every day without Derek there is hard, his absence is felt even more today, so Meredith is doing her best to keep Zola and Bailey happy. And so far, it seems to be working.

"Mommy, Santa got me a _Frozen_ castle!" Zola gasps, staring at the large gift in wonder, still clad in her snowflake nightgown.

"He did?" Meredith asks in equal amounts of surprise.

"Yeah! Just like I had on my list! Now I have a house for Elsa and Anna! Can we put it together?" Zola asks.

"We will, Zo," Meredith promises. "Let's let Bailey open a few more first."

In stark contrast to Zola's elation over the presents, themselves, Bailey is much more content to play with the discarded pieces of crumpled wrapping paper and gift boxes. Every time Zola adds to the pile of paper trash, he eagerly jumps into the mess and shrieks in delight.

"Come here, Bay. I'll help you open one," Zola offers, taking a present from his pile.

Bailey walks over to his big sister, looking just like Derek with his curly bed-head. He's wearing his reindeer pajamas, and is starting to look more like a little boy than a baby. Zola kisses his cheek once he sits down in her lap, and the gesture makes Meredith smile.

Now that Bailey is mobile, curious, and getting into everything, including Zola's once-orderly playroom, those moments of peace are dwindling, and Meredith knows it's only a matter of time before the full-blown feuds start. So she takes advantage of the sibling love and snaps a picture to send to Derek.

With Zola's help, Bailey unwraps his present, a large bag of foam blocks. "What did Santa get you, Bailey?" Meredith asks her son.

"He got blocks, Mommy!" Zola answers.

"Bocks!" Bailey echoes.

"Santa got you blocks? That's because you're such a big boy now," Meredith says.

Bailey toddles over to Meredith, arms outstretched, and gives her one of his signature pouncing hugs. "Mama," he coos into her shirt, leaving a line of drool on the fabric.

"I love you, sweetpea," Meredith says, breathing in his baby smell that she wishes she could bottle. She's so caught up in her son that she doesn't take notice when the front door opens.

"Daddy!" Zola screams in unbridled joy. She scrambles to her feet and runs to the foyer just in time for Derek to scoop her into a hug.

Meredith watches in a stupor as Derek hugs their daughter, unsure if she's hallucinating from lack of sleep. But before she has a chance to distinguish fact from fiction, she feels Derek's arms wrap around her, and she knows she's very much awake.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, hugging him so tightly that her fingertips dig into his coat.

"The board approved the plan. It worked. I'm home," Derek says into her neck.

"Dada! Dada!" Bailey cheers, sandwiched between his parents.

They pull apart from the hug, and Meredith wipes her eyes with her sleeve. She smiles at the way both kids topple on him, and the grin on Derek's face as he makes room for both of them on his lap. "I missed you guys. I missed you so much," he tells them.

Zola rests her head on his chest and smiles. "I missed you, Daddy. I don't want you to go again."

"I'm not leaving again, Zo. I promise," Derek assures her.

"You're not?"

Derek shakes his head. "No. And do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because Seattle is where I met Mommy. And Mommy…" he looks at Meredith across from him on the floor. "…She's given me everything. Love, happiness, you, your brother, a life I never thought I'd have, but that I'm grateful for every day. And I love her so, so much."

Meredith smiles back at him. "I love you, too."

While Zola and Bailey are busy playing with their new toys after breakfast, their parents look on from the couch. Or more specifically, Meredith watches Derek watch the kids, soaking in everything he can after seven weeks away.

Unable to stall the conversation until their naptime, Meredith taps his arm to get his attention. When he turns toward her, she raises her eyebrows. "So?"

"So?"

"I didn't think you were getting a flight until this weekend, and then you show up here on Christmas. I want details. When did the board approve your proposal?"

"Yesterday afternoon. I wanted to call you as soon as I left the meeting, but I figured telling you in person would be better. So, I went back to the apartment, packed, got a cab to the airport, and waited in the standby line in the terminal for three hours, hoping I'd get a seat. There was one left. Someone didn't show up, so they let me on. I consider it my Christmas miracle," Derek chuckles.

It's the first time Meredith's heard him laugh in seven weeks, and she sighs when she realized how much she's missed it, and how happy she is that he, along with his laugh, are here to stay.

"So, you really get to brain map from Seattle, and go forward with the expansion? All of it?" Meredith asks.

"All of it," Derek nods. "Seven satellite facilities are in the works now. Amy will stay on as chief of neuro, and I'll focus solely on brain mapping. Specifically Alzheimer's."

While Meredith knew about the expansion proposal, his plan to pursue Alzheimer's research throws her for a loop, and she blinks. "What?"

"I haven't stopped doing Alzheimer's research since we lost the clinical trial three years ago," he admits. "There's no way I'm giving up on it now, not when this BCI research can help get us closer to a cure. You've always had my back, and God forbid you ever..."

He can't bring himself to say it, and Meredith nods so he doesn't have to.

"If that ever happens, I want to make sure I have your back, too," Derek says solemnly.

Meredith squeezes his hand, swallowing past the lump in her throat. "Thank you."

"And the best part is that I get to set my own hours, which means you can get back in the lab and pick up where you left off with your portal vein research. I know I've made that promise to you before, and didn't follow through. I'm not gonna let that happen again, Meredith. If you don't have faith in that promise right now, I hope I can prove it to you."

Meredith rests her head on his shoulder, and feels him kiss the top of her head. "Okay."

Given the entirety of her childhood and the last seven weeks of her marriage, it goes against her better judgment to believe him, but she does anyway. Because as much as they've hurt each other, they've always found a way back.

The carousel never stops turning. It's wrought with ups and downs, and sometimes, all they can do is hold on tight. But if given the chance to get off, they wouldn't. Because the view from the whirlwind is pretty damn spectacular.


End file.
